Is Blood Thicker Than Water?

I hated my sister. 

It sounds harsh and cruel and something that you wouldn't think I'd admit. I mean, who wants to say something like that, when it makes me sound like a complete bitch? 

The reality is that I was, undeniably and wholeheartedly, a complete bitch.

I actually remember the first time I was angry with her. I'm not sure what she did or said, but I remember we were at my grandparents house. The feeling started in my chest -- it was burning and swelling. Then it spread throughout my body and caused me to tense every muscle. Distinctly, I remember hating her, but also hating that feeling. I never wanted to feel that way again. Little did I know, that initial seed would grow over time, rooting in my veins and blossoming in my mind. The mind is the worst place for hatred to thrive because it controls how you perceive and how you react to things. 

When we were eight/nine, I remember her & her friend cut the hair off of all of our old Barbie dolls at our grandparents house. I hadn't played with the dolls in years; what the fuck did I care about the dolls? But I hated that she had done it, and I cried to my grandparents that she had ruined our childhood toys. Lola made them pray the rosary as a consequence. I sat with the Barbie dolls in the other room, touching their now-ragged hair and thinking, See? Alli isn't perfect.

My sister and I grew apart as we got older because of instances like these. It got to the point where we couldn't spend more than five minutes together in a room without igniting a flame. I got mad at her for everything; the way she spoke, the clothes she wore. 

It didn't help that I was older and better with words. My parents told me once that my insults were particularly cruel because I was so good at turning my words into a knife. 

A wound under the skin is much more painful than one on the surface. 

It wasn't until I went away to college that I changed. 

Maybe it was the distance, maybe it was not seeing each other every day, maybe it was my growth in confidence and self-love. Probably, it was all of these things. I missed her and I didn't know why. Don't get me wrong, we had good moments. We were (and still are) fiercely protective of each other. When something would happen between me and my friends in high school, I would cry and tell my family that I only wanted to speak to her. When someone would break her heart, I would think of the worst things to say to that person if I ever ran into them. But really, it was only these bad times that drew us together. We rarely created good memories on our own.

It took me a long, long time to realize that hatred wasn't the first negative emotion I felt toward her; it was jealousy. If you read any kind of self-help book or talk to any therapist, you'll understand that jealousy and hatred commonly follow one-another, as if they've agreed to have a buddy system. 

My sister was someone I was not. When we'd go to the river, she'd be the first one to jump in. When we were in groups, she'd crack jokes that made everyone laugh. When we were in high school together, she was noticed by the boys in my grade, or even older. When we both played basketball, she was more exciting to watch. 

She was energetic. Fun. Funny. Crazy. Wild. Silly. Athletic. Free-spirited. Spontaneous. Beautiful. Friendly.

My sister was someone I was not ... but she was also someone I wanted to be. I just didn't know that until I loved myself more and had the confidence to believe that I could be that person too.

Today, we are nowhere near as close as we'd like to be. But we've gone past that first step of saying that we want to be closer, and we've made a lot of changes to make that happen. It mostly involves communication, boundaries, and self-reflection. We've had more fun together in the past year than we have in the past decade. 

I like writing about things like this because when I was a kid, I thought families were supposed to be perfect and everyone was supposed to love each other and that it was supposed to be easy. Family was supposed to be everything. I think a lot of younger people believe this as well, and are just as heartbroken as I was when I realized this was not the truth, that family can hurt you, and you can hurt family, and it can be irreversible if you let it. 

Blood is not thicker than water. Blood is what you make it, just like everything else in life. 

When you admit that you can control your thoughts and your emotions is when you will realize your life is what you make of it. 

I could have spent the rest of my life being the same way I had always been; sensitive, reactive, obsessive, manipulative, blah blah. That's how I know that things between my sister & I could have remained the same forever. But that isn't the person I wanted to be. So I changed it. And although there are things in my life that I can't change, such as things I did in the past that ruined friendships/relationships, and despite the major life events that have happened that I've had no control over, I have learned to grow with them, rather than suffocate myself in the process. 

Thank you Alli for quite literally changing my life for the better. I love you for life.